Another test is that of possessiveness and attachment
Example: if a very beautiful ray of light falls on the wall, we do not fall in love with the wall, we love the light.
In the same way, when we are in a couple relationship, we love the light of that love, we love that which makes us see things so beautiful, not the things that are lighted by that state of love. Because if we do not see the relationship as something that we have in common, yet separate from us, there appears attachment. We look at the other one and we see through the relationship.
Attachment and possessiveness appear in that moment when we want to have the other one only for us. This is impossible. First of all, as the wise men say, if you possess yourself, meaning if you know yourself, you can possess anybody else. But until then, you have no chance. Usually, possessiveness appears in those people who do not know who they are. At least those who realized this fundamental thing – that they must look for truth about themselves – can no longer experience possessiveness for another being. We could even say that it is not recommended, it is enough that you have to fix yourself, it is not appropriate to fix someone else besides that. The state of attachment and possessiveness that appears between the two lovers is this state of confusion that appears between love and its effects. In order to avoid any attachments between the two lovers it is best that they keep a certain distance, not in the soul, but rather physical, a polar distribution of their tasks, of the game of polarities, which allows them to have space in between them, to not close this space completely.
Usually, because we like each other very much and we feel attracted to each other, we allow this attraction to crush us against each other. In time, this produces attachment, we glue each other to the other one. But if we do not allow this space in between us, we can easily fall in this state of possessiveness and attachment. Any state of comfort that we give to each other exposes us to possessiveness. Because in the moment when the other one has his needs, because he is human, and he wants to go in another direction, in the moment we created these habits, he leaves his duty. It is exactly like a guard that leaves his duty. Once we are used with the other one’s presence and we are used to offering to each other all kind of aspects of comfort, we automatically get used to it and we create these attachments. As long as we do not have the necessary lucidity to become aware of these things in the moment they appear and in this way to neutralize them through our lucidity, we have to constantly avoid indulging in such situations in which we offer comfort to each other.
For example, this is the second glass of water Adina offers me. If she keeps doing that, I get used to it and when she leaves I will say: “Come on, I’m staying here talking, where is my glass of water?”
The state of freedom is a marking point which guides us in forming these attachments. It is good to not get used with the other one’s presence, even if he/she makes our life more beautiful. Still, we should not allow ourselves to get used to the other one’s presence. For example, we can also clean our room every now and then. Even if it is always so good when you feel a woman’s touch – she was there, she had enough with the mess and she starts cleaning. In this way, after a while, it becomes a habit. If you notice it is a habit, take a tapas and clean your room for a while, until you remove that attachment and possessiveness. And know that attachment and possessiveness do not appear from fundamental, extraordinary aspects. They appear from habits which usually are so little that we do not even notice them, such as the example with the glass of water. A little thing causes us so much suffering when life wants to put us in a different situation.
The problem with attachment and possessiveness is actually much more profound, because in fact they block our evolution in the couple. If this did not happen, a bit of suffering would keep us alive – spiritually speaking. But the problem is that when we develop these states of attachments, we start being afraid of any new situation. Transformation means that we are always put in new situations or we are given new perspectives in the same situation. When we are attached to a certain life situation, we no longer want transformation, we do not want anything anymore, we want that thing to carry on as we got used to.
There is another aspect here. It is not just the habit, but also the expectations, which come after a while. If in the beginning, the habit is created little by little, with small actions, after a while the expectations comes: “Why didn’t you do that thing? What happened? You don’t love me anymore if you didn’t do that little thing”. And again, the confusion between the love, because everything was done out of love and respect and the desire to help the other one, and the demands that come later on and the conclusion: “If you don’t do this anymore, it means you don’t love me.” These are clear signs of this confusion. Attachment and possessiveness are based mainly on gross things, connected to the physical, material level. Imagine that no one makes a big fuss if a habit related to the spiritual practice does not continue. Our advise is: if you notice attachments and possessiveness in your relationship, aim to transmute them in such a way that they refer to spiritual things, aim to fight with each other because you did not make the couple meditation together or because you did not go together at the class, or because you did not go together at the conference or because you did not do a certain spiritual activity together, and not because you did not go shopping or walking or any other such gregarious things. This will be of great help.
A situation that appears frequently is when the two lovers realize that their lovemaking is not as it used to be. If they look into it, they will notice that the man must start a better spiritual training in order to improve his ability of controlling the sexual energy. Theoretically, both will agree. Unfortunately, out of attachment, the woman will have the tendency to say: “What, now you lock yourself in the room? No, we have to go to movies, like we used to, we do everything we used to do and on top of that, you have to become continent.” If you always do what you used to do, you will obtain what you used to obtain. If you want to obtain something else, you must do something else. But when there are attachments, we avoid any modifications in the program.
Taken from "The spiritual couple relationship", conference kept by Mihai and Adina Stoian in 2006, in Costinesti - Romania.
Published by Natha.net