As I went to the silent retreat this year, I had a knowing in me that I would learn something new about my inner world. Yet once again I was baffled as the outcome differed greatly from my expectations. After the first night I was happy to be back in the just being. Remembering how it is to just be without all the fuzz from the hectic everyday life.
How the love was streaming naturally into me and how the energies in my body were naturally sublimating by just being. We were told on the first night that there would be an exceptionally strong field due to a powerful integration of a lot of spiritual guides, which would be subtly present to aid us. We should simply try to contact them empathically through our hearts, ask them for help and they would aid us in the search for the self. This proved to be one of the most fruitful and lovely events on this camp. I doubted, yet had the pure wish to learn to communicate with these beings, so I tried to act in this way and was surprised that these beings turned out to be helpful at every time that I called on them. I would call for guidance as to where I should search to reveal my higher self, ATMAN, and they would make part of me or one of the chakras vibrate intensely for a moment or giving other directions and then I followed using my intuition, until I lost track of them. Then I would ask again and follow their guidance until I reached high states. Most of the meditations in this retreat were quite highly energised compared to other retreats I have been to, and this was due to the spiritual integration, which Mihai had presented the first day.
Then of course on the next day the work began inside, I was facing various problems and stresses, which eventually were cleared, at least to a higher degree of understanding of the power of love and why to aim for that as a goal superior to all the limitations which I normally encounter. Simply it is that thing, which feels the most right and most uplifted. It seemed very apparent in the deep states of meditation and though terribly frightening for my normal way of thinking (the mind) it also seemed as that which would ultimately make me feel happy inside and free.
During the retreat the most important thing was to remain silent, trying to behave as if we were alone in a cave and profoundly trying to awaken the heart. Connecting with the heart is also what keeps us in connection with the senses and the present moment. And only in this unique moment can you realize the self, ATMAN.
When I am not in my heart I realized in one of the meditations, I am instead tuned into what is the interpretation of the mind. That is the representation of reality which is created by the mind, a sort of visual, mental impression about what is existing in the mind in the present moment, thus excluding the real sensation of sensorial perceptions coming from the senses and the being connected with all things through the heart. Excluded from that which actually exists in this moment. Being with the mind, I realized, separates me from the connectedness with everything. This loss of connection is what brings us to live in an illusory reality made of mind-stuff which may not at all be in attunement with the reality, which can be directly perceived by being with the heart. Thus we suffer. If instead we center into the heart, we will cultivate a state of unity and will perceive the things, as they really are.
Slowly through the week I developed a close relationship with the spiritual guides and came to see them as my friends and brothers/sisters. There was definitely an increased feeling of love developing between us and every contact gave a sweet intimate feeling immediately in the heart. They never cease to help and be present if I call for them. In one of the days they guided me and I followed all the way to the state of blissful void which emerged immediately after I had learned to be completely relaxed, a deep state of relaxation, which I really first understood at that moment, and which was like a blanket of calmness descending upon me and keeping me blissful and empty. Empty yet full at the same time. My mind was still babbling about many things and my senses still perceived the outside world, but an extra layer of something wonderful and calm was added on top. After a short while of being in that state, I asked again for guidance to reveal the self. As always the guides were immediately present guiding and short thereafter I had a glimpse of a reflection of the self. It was as Mihai had described. I had the feeling that I was looking into a mirror or watery reflection on the ground, which was disturbed by movement, and I could, though only for a glimpse of a second, notice the presence of a consciousness in that mirror. I felt that I had found what I came for. Now the next step proved to be more difficult. To find my way back to that place in me and expanding the time to be able to more thoroughly look into the eyes of the observer. This I did not succeed with in this camp, but the steps I had already taken was great for me and led to many expanding revelations. My mind was somehow already expecting the expansion as it tried to lure me away from my centering into the heart, in the search for the divine self, by repeatedly playing a song with Michael Jackson: “Man in the mirror”. I found this quite funny though it proved more fruitful to remain on the meditation.
Then off course the following day all these revelations were not even remotely present. I could not find my way back and a great frustration appeared. One day earlier it had all seemed so clear. Lots of unfocused thoughts appeared and even a lot of erotic ones. This Mihai explained was natural after deep realizations. Deep realisation does not come so easy it seems. I would have to work more. So I realized ‘’well better check out what is keeping me from meditating’’, so I examined instead the mind and put my focus there instead of on the heart and realized that the mind was stirred up because of movement in the mind. Then I made a simple experiment: First I observed the mind until it became quiet; then I started to let the thoughts go wild and focusing on the thoughts until there would be a hectic activity almost unstoppable in the mind. Then again I focused on observing the mind – it became quiet. So the mind in itself did not do much, if I did not focus on the content of the mind. This became very apparent especially if I would let the mind go about some thoughts for a while. Then emotions would soon emerge and eventually a physical reaction. This is the chain of manifestation. So if I let my mind go randomly I will get random thoughts and emotions and will also eventually have random actions or reactions. However if I would let my mind be controlled and not indulging into the projections it makes as its constant tendency, then I could instead focus it upon the higher parts of my being thus bringing into creation the divine. To constantly remain with that attunement I must practice my mental observation and focus to remain in the heart so that I can connect with the One. I noticed that usually I start to drift in a meditation around the time when my imagination has been allowed to play for such a long time, that the emotions start to appear. I hope that in the future my awareness will be so that I may notice it even at the stage of thought. Yet as the progress has been fruitful and forthcoming so far, I cannot imagine how that should not be possible. This was also a great lesson for me because I noticed how equally important the apparently bad state that follows a good state is, in becoming aware that they are both lessons to be learned and that they both come from the same place. This gave me great comfort! When I have the feeling I have lost the inside contact with the beauty (beatific void) and then start to feel sad and frustrated because of this, exactly those emotions are pushing me to go further. That is if I don’t let them stop me in indulgence.
Even towards the end I studied some mechanisms of the mind which led me to get an idea of how to raise the power of Kundalini through my spine. The power that I have read and heard about, yet had never felt before, was finally coming into my awareness. Along with the feeling of heat in my body there was a tingling feeling of energy rising slowly from the bottom of the spine upwards.
All the experiences of this retreat have given me new and deeper insight in the curious and fantastically complex and enormous universe which reside inside my being and which contains such beauty and serenity which no words can truly grasp. I will let the future guide me through this universe and I look forward to every journey.
by Richard Freltoft Løvlund